Nothing really that new going on, except for being about to quit my midwifery course for a number of reasons which I can almost be arsed going into, but not quite.
I'm not feeling too bad about it. I know I thought it was my vocation in life, but there was no way of knowing that for sure until I actually got stuck in and did it, and I've found it's not for me. Some people will assume that it was harder work than I expected and I just can't hack it. That isn't the case. Everyone who's seen me a lot recently will know that I've gone into this whole-heartedly and really given it a good go. I've kept on top of all the academic work and I've managed to gain loads of clinical skills on my placement too. I've even been a student rep for the past 2 months (which is so unbelievably unlike me it's untrue - note to self: too many uns...)! I know that if I put my mind to it, I'm quite capable of doing it. But my heart just isn't in it anymore, and if it isn't after 3 months I doubt I'll have miraculously found it again after 3 years of training.
I'm the kind of person who needs to take everything into consideration and seek differing views before making a decision, and being a midwife means that often goes out of the window and you have to think spontaneously, on your feet. This can result in potentially life-endangering mistakes. I thought I'd be able to adapt to that, but I'm really not sure I could cope with that pressure. Also, in my placement, I've seen from other midwives what consequences those mistakes have. A lot of them are really unfair - the top dogs get away with a lot and all the blame lands on the midwife's shoulders, whether it's her fault or not. I just don't know if I want to work in an environment where you don't trust anyone and you're constantly looking over your shoulder and covering your back. Obviously that's only a tiny part of the job, but there's still something about midwifery that makes me feel like I don't belong there.
I have really enjoyed the course so far and I know I'll value these experiences for the rest of my life but there are aspects of the job and the NHS which I know I just couldn't handle and I'd end up looking to do something different anyway so, after careful deliberation, I think it's best just to cut my losses before I get myself into any more NHS Bursary debt (on top of my student loan debt I already had, gulp!).
Next step - earn some money (to pay off aforesaid debts) and go and get some work experience in schools to see if I want to get into primary teaching. If I'm being honest, I think I just want to be able to eat custard daily again.
Last day of hospital placement tomorrow (I still haven't told anyone I want to leave) and then leaving for Ireland on Saturday for a week. May post photos. But I might not. Watch this space. Or don't.
Missing you all. How are you????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!